Burnt out light

Do you ever feel like a burden. That everyone around you has a light but you don’t and if you stand close to someone else’s light ... you will burn their light out. So you try to be a light too but the feelings you have inside are anything but light. Yep that’s me right now. 

Wow it’s been 6 YEARS!

I stumbled apon this... my blog I started 6 years ago! 6 years! WOW! A lot can change in 6 years! I don’t even know where to start. I went down a different path than this blog started out to be... finding my way again. Life really is a journey... full of opportunities for learning and growth all along the way. 

6 years! how I would give anything to go back and erase the mistakes of 6 years ago. I had a moment in time where I wasn’t true to myself, my spouse, my friends .... anyone really... I got caught up in a moment now frozen intime that I would do anything to undo. I’m still affected so much today by that moment... A doctors appointment that turned into a brief affair... a choice I made... I would give anything to go back and change that choice! 

I have had been inactive from the lds church for 5 years after that incident... divorced my husband ... 1 1/2 years later remarried my husband (the 2nd one not the first) moved to the ozarks in Missouri and now piecing my life back together. Started to attend church again. Started to talk to my bishop about the events of 6 years ago! Reading these posts I wrote 6 years ago prior to “the doctor mistake”. That anyone can be forgiven of any sin. And now here I am I must believe them I have to believe them. I have beaten myself up for so long. What would it be like if I truly let go and forgave me, Matthew, the doctor.... ME! Could I be ME again could I get back there.... Full of hope and light!! Here I have been praying everyday that Christ comes and takes this agony away and really it’s a choice I could make right now and have it removed tonight!! 

Queen Esther and Courage

Many times in the beginning of my recovery journey I found I lacked courage or Faith with in myself to continue the course. My marriage was rocky and I had already been married once before so I knew what the outcome would feel like if I gave up on me, him or us. Things weren't looking up... I often would start my day watching Mormon Messages and I would watch video after video feeling my soul with encouraging messages.. I came across a favorite:
https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/courage-1

This mormon message on Queen Esther and her Courage... Brought me to tears.. many many times I would feel heart ache and discouragement and I would watch this video. As I kept attending the 12 step meetings I also found courage from others that would see miracles working in their own lives because they too applied these step of repentance, steps of forgiveness in their own lives.. I can't tell you how many times me and my husband would be on the brink of divorce only to have a miracle happen and us make it through yet another trying time together. A month went by from when I started the 12 step program and applying the steps... And My husband saw the mighty changes in me and he asked me if I would be sealed to him for time and eternity.. Yet another miracle.. I was suppose to be moving out by the end of that month. WE met with our bishop & stake President to get the paper work going and we were sealed on the day of our 4 year wedding anniversary. I walked inside the Bridal Room of the Brigham City Lds Temple to prepare chance into my temple clothes and there in the room hung one picture.. It was a picture of Queen Esther.. I broke down and cried.. I went up to that picture of her and I said "Thank you... Thank you for helping me get here." That picture hanging in that bridal room was a tender mercy and a beautiful reminder to me of how much work and faith and miracles and courage it took to get there...

Jim

I met Jim at my very first LDS 12 step addiction recovery meeting. 
Jim looked hard core with tattoos on his face and neck... along his arms and legs.. Not that tattoos instantly mean you have had a tough life... I have tattoos but mine are of butterflies and flowers and mine are mostly hidden. When Jim stood to introduce himself I knew he had a heart of gold. Jim had been to prison, he wasn't a member of the LDS (mormon) church but he learned of the church in prison and attended the LDS 12 step addiction recovery meeting while in his prison days. He got out and found the LDS 12 Step Program being held at a local stake center.  He attended church regularly and asked his bishop if he could be baptized... Not knowing the details of why he was in prison but knowing he was still on parol I do know the standard church answer is "wait til he is off parol".. The bishop prayed about Jim and his baptism and took it a level further asking the Stake Resident.. The stake President met with Jim, prayed about it and took it even a level further... Finally it went all the way up to the 1st presidency which prayed about it and answered back to the Stake Presidents, Bishops and Jim's plea to be baptized. They felt Jim needed to be baptized now and not to wait.. So He was baptized. Several months went by Jim still attended church regularly and the LDS weekly 12 step program.. He was then diagnosed with cancer and didn't live much longer after that.. I love that our church leaders were tune enough to know Jim needed to be baptized and that his sins were forgiven and he could return back home to Heavenly Father with clean hands and heart. I love that the 12 step program is about repentance and forgiveness. Everyone can be forgiven and no one is too far gone to not be forgiven. I learned this from my friend Jim.